The Proper Way to Make a Cheeseburger
by Triforce90
Summary: Starfire, being an alien from another planet, is naturally going to be curious about things. But when her curiosity gets to far, she discovers something rather... sickening. Slightly disturbing, I guess.


A/N: Inspired by _The Legend of Zelda: The Lampshade of No Real Significance_. I'm not _this _sick.

* * *

It happened just like anything else. The happening, of course, is what I'm about to discuss with you. I don't necessarily have to tell you the events… Instead, I could discuss the weather with you. By asking questions such as "Lovely weather we're having, eh what?" or "It looks like it's about to rain", we could have a pleasant and perfectly clean conversation. Or, perhaps, we could sip tea and feast upon crumpets. 

Sadly, I'm more German than I am English, so that's out of the question. If you want to, though, we could instead have a mug of ginger ale and pretzels. No? Alright then.

To entertain you, I'm going to tell you the story of a young girl and a very shocking discovery. The discovery is the plot of this story, of course, and how the girl discovered the said thing.

The girl's name was Starfire, an alien from a distant planet called Tamaran. This is a planet on the far side of the universe, and after this alien arrived on Earth, she experienced a rather large and unforgiving culture shock.

People got around in metallic monsters with four feet that she discovered were painful if they hit her at high velocities. They also drank from manufactured drinking glasses with long plastic tubes and ate with many-pronged metal utensils or sometimes their hands. This was unusual; such things would never have been acceptable on her home planet. Of course, she wasn't there to begin with, but who was to judge her? She knew no one on this planet, and no one knew her.

Curiosity got the best of her, however, when she noticed a woman walking by, holding a small item. She later took a bite out of it and chewed; whatever it was, it was edible.

The Tamaranian walked up to the woman and got her attention. "Ma'am?" she asked, trying her best to sound polite. "May I ask what you're eating?"

The woman looked at her in a confused manner. "Are you alright, my dear?" she asked, wrapping whatever she had into a thin, yellow wrapper. "How could you not know of these things? Are you an immigrant?"

"Yes, I am," replied Starfire, giving a faint smile. "I have come from the east."

"Oh… That would explain a few things, yes. The only place I can think of that wouldn't have cheeseburgers would be Eastern Europe… Are you from a communist country?"

Starfire nodded, not knowing what a communist country was. But the woman seemed to be onto something, so she decided to go along with her anyway.

"That's a tragedy… This, my dear, is called a cheeseburger. It's a sandwich that contains beef, cheese, and other ingredients."

Sandwich? Beef? Cheese? What were these things? Starfire only nodded as the woman peeled off the top piece of bread to reveal a brown lump of something and a sticky yellow square.

"There's a tender spot in this heart of mine for immigrants that have braved the dangers to come here… I'll tell you what. Why don't I take you to _McDonalds_ and I'll by you a cheeseburger!"

"What's a _McDonalds_?" asked Starfire politely.

The woman gave a sigh and patted the girl on the head. "So much to learn… Come! Come!"

And she went.

* * *

_McDonalds _probably provided the biggest culture shock for the young girl. It was a very cool place; the air seemed to have an artificial chill which filled the girl with curiosity. Tables and chairs were distributed almost evenly, and people seemed to be occupyingeach one. In the back of the room was a bar, and behind this bar, many people ran around in identical clothing. Some of these people were up at the front of the bar, looking around as if waiting for someone to come up and speak to them. They stood in front of large black boxes and occasionally touched them with their index fingers. 

Filled with curiosity, Starfire didn't have time to explore on her own. Instead, the lady had grabbed her by the arm and was currently leading her towards the bar.

A boy with extremely greasy hair and an extreme acne problem perked up as he noticed the two ladies approach. "Welcome to _McDonalds_," he said, his voice sounding like he didn't want to be there. "What'll you have?"

"The commie will have a quarter-pounder with cheese," said the woman, gesturing to Starfire. "She'll have it with mayonnaise, cheese, and the patty… nothing else."

"Right then. And to drink?"

"_Dr. Pepper_, and make sure it's not flat. This girl resisted oppression to come to a country where you can have a choice; she doesn't deserve a flat soda."

"Yeah," said the boy, giving Starfire an odd glance. "Anyway, your total is $4.79."

The woman reached into a handbag and pulled out a single piece of green paper. This, thought Starfire, must've been Earthling currency, for she handed it to the boy who put it in the black box and gave her three metallic objects.

"What must we do now?" asked Starfire as the greasy boy walked away.

"We wait for our food," said the woman. "Then you get to see why America is the fattest country in the world."

Starfire had no idea what this woman was talking about but waited patiently, wondering what her snack was going to taste like.

Three short minutes later an older woman came up to them with a tray which held a paper cup and something wrapped in yellow paper, the same paper that this kind woman had when she first saw her.

The woman plopped the tray on the bar and left. While Starfire felt like shouting at the woman for her rudeness, her companion picked up the tray and walked off, heading towards a vacant table and chairs.

Following close behind, Starfire caught up to her friend and sat down. "Will you not go and condemn that woman for her rudeness?" asked the Tamaranian as the woman sat down. "Her behavior was most…"

"We treat people differently here, I'm afraid," said the woman, frowning. "But go ahead! Take a bite!"

Starfire looked at the wrapped object in front of her and slowly pulled the paper back. There, in front of her, was a brown "sandwich" as the woman called it. Picking it up slowly, she brought it to her mouth and took a bite. It was the most unusual yet tastiest thing she had ever tried!

"It is moff gewd," said the girl in between bites.

The woman gave a small chuckle. "I'm glad you enjoy it. Now, if you will excuse me, I must be off."

"Where are you going?" asked Starfire as she swallowed the chewed morsel. "Won't you stay and keep me company?"

"I'm afraid I can't. My lunch hour is well past over… It was very nice meeting you."

And she was gone.

Starfire didn't seem to exactly mind, however. She took a bite out of the burger and chewed hastily. It was quite a delicious snack, and it was then that she decided she would try the drink.

Putting her lips over the straw, she figured that if she used suction through her mouth, she would be able to draw the liquid out of the cup and into her mouth.

And that's exactly what happened!

It was one of the most delicious beverages she had ever tasted. It somewhat burned, if you could say that… but that didn't matter. The fact is it had the most unusual yet pleasant taste.

It wasn't before long that she finished her meal, and she soon found herself craving for more. However, there was one small problem: she didn't have any money.

Giving a sigh, Starfire wondered what she could do to get more of this tasty snack. She could just _ask _someone for money… that would be unethical. Perhaps she could tell the people behind the bar her predicament and she could pay them back later?

Shrugging, she decided to give it a shot. She got up off of her seat and made her way to the counter. However, she had a problem: no one was there to help her.

"Hello?" she called out, hoping that the greasy boy or one of his companions would come and see her. "Hellooo?"

In a state of nervousness, she began to tap her fingers on the counter. She turned around and to her amazement, no one was there.

_The woman spoke about a lunch hour_ thought Starfire. _Perhaps _their _lunch hours have ended_.

It wasn't the same place as it was when she first saw it. It was very quiet, and the artificial chill of the air only gave it an eerie feeling. Starfire clenched her teeth together and continued to tap on the counter, wondering where the identically-dressed people could be.

"Hello?" said Starfire once again. "I wish to buy another burger, please."

Looking behind her once again, a thought occupied her mind. Why should she wait for them to come to her? _She _could go to them!

Giving a faint smile, Starfire levitated over the counter and landed on the other side. Giving the place a good look-over, she slowly began to walk through a small hall. On both sides of her were large and metallic machines, all of which were making a strange noise. She didn't know what they were for, but she could feel that they were a source of heat. Perhaps this was where they cooked the food?

The Tamaranian continued to walk down the corridor and towards a door which bore the words "Storage Entrance". Putting her hand on the door knob, she slowly turned it and opened the door.

Inside of this room were thousands upon thousands of boxes. As Starfire took a couple of more steps into the room, she couldn't help but open her mouth in awe as she closed behind her. Being in front of all of these boxes made her feel small and unimportant, and while she continued to look around, she heard the sound of a door closing from another side of the room.

Instinct took over her and she quickly hid behind a stack of boxes. By slowly peeking her head from the right side of the box, she could see two darker men in identical uniforms, the same uniforms that the people wore behind the counter. They were rapidly talking to each other in a tongue she did not know, but they left as soon as they came, and Starfire was once again alone.

The Tamaranian slowly stood up and looked for the exit the men might have taken. Noticing another door on the east side of the room, she made her way over and opened it, failing to read the words that were written upon its face.

She received a big surprise when she stepped into the hot sun. She didn't spend much time wondering why she was outside, though, for there was something else that distracted her. Six of the metallic monsters that she had seen outside were in front of her, but these were much larger. Instead of four black feet they had eighteen and large rectangular boxes on their backs.

People outside in the identical uniforms were quickly unloading things from these boxes. Not wanting to be seen, Starfire leapt behind a line of bushes and watched from holes in the thickets.

It then occurred to Starfire that these large monsters were used for transportation of goods. She watched in fascination as men unloaded the beds, muttering to each other in the process. With the help of her keen hearing, she could easily pick up the conversations. Unfortunately, the language was unknown to her, so she couldn't understand a thing they were saying.

However, to her surprise, she picked up signs of English from two men closer to her. Focusing her attention on these words alone, she clearly heard what they were saying and listened.

"Hey Ted," said a man as he plopped a box on the ground. "Want to see what's in these things since you're new?"

"Sure Hank," said Ted as he made his way over to his companion. "I've always wondered what was in these things."

"You're in for a real shocker," said Hank as he pulled out a small knife from his pocket. "What do _you _think it is?"

"The box is labeled 'meat'," said Ted, pointing out words on the side of the box. "I'm guessing it's what we use for the hamburgers, huh?"

"Very good. But what _kind _of meat?"

"Beef?"

"Wrong."

"It's not beef? Then… what do we use? They're not hamburgers if they're not beef."

Hank grinned and opened the box with the aid of his knife. A thin layer of a clear, solid substance greeted them.

"Ice?" asked Ted, raising an eyebrow. "Why would there be ice?"

"To keep the meat fresh, stupid. It's what's under the ice that counts."

The two men quickly brushed the ice away, which landed on the ground and instantly began to melt. They stopped, however, and Ted made a grotesque face.

"You've…" he began. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Nope. It's real, alright."

"But… that's disgusting!"

"Ain't it though?"

"What is it doing in here?"

"It's what we use to make the hamburgers."

"GET OUT!"

"No! Really!"

The two men continued to look into the box until Ted shook his head and sighed. "I'm telling you," he said, "there's something wrong with this place. How did he die?"

"Apparently by internal hemorrhage. See? The skin's purple right here."

"Poor guy. I'm sure he didn't want to be used as a beef replacement."

"What human would? Come on; let's get him out of this heat. It's not going to be pretty if we leave him out here too long."

As the two men resealed the box, they were completely unaware of a sickened girl on the other side of the line of bushes. Starfire was utterly disgusted, and one could tell by the puddle of sick on the ground in front of her.

As she quickly shot up into the air and flew away, she knew she would nevereat at _McDonalds _again.


End file.
